My partner has given up on sex with me now I am post-menopause

Vaginal dryness, coupled with other physical problems, means we have stopped trying, but the issue is causing me great anxiety

My significant other has given up on having sex with me. I am

My significant other has given up on having sex with me. I am post-menopause and we use lubricant, but he says it doesn’t work. I am a widow, but was married for 24 years and I never had any problems during my marriage. In addition to dryness, my partner says he meets resistance, stopping him penetrating me. His physical discomfort has caused him to give up on trying. It makes me feel very inadequate, and insecure that he may “go somewhere else” to be satisfied, as he says he loves sex more than anything. I am a very sexual woman, but I feel helpless. We have a toy, but I want to make love with him more than anything in the world. Please help.

The only things you need in order to achieve satisfying lovemaking are creativity, openness and willingness to experiment. There are many possible positions for coitus, and at least one of them will work for you. For example, try straddling him with your head facing his feet. You are already being creative by using toys, but try to be open about oral and manual stimulation, erotic role-playing and the many other exciting styles of eroticism that can ensure sex is far from boring.

Use your imagination and encourage him to do the same. And urgently meet with your physician to discuss your vaginal dryness. There are a number of ways to correct this, and important choices for you to make, such as whether or not to embark on a regime of hormone replacement or perhaps topical creams. If possible, engage your partner in the process of solving these problems together. You deserve to feel less alone, helpless and anxious in facing this common challenge.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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